apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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