Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
