Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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