theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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