cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
