shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize