you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize