Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
