I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
