Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
