dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
