I love black thongs
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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