Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize