I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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