There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
