I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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