I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
