hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
