I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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