my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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