When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
