Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
