Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
