I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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