i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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