those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
