Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
