I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
