I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize