I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
