I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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