I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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