i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
