I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
