it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
