How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
