Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
