I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Randomize
