Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
