I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
