im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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