this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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