I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
