I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
