is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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