the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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