dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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