fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
