These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize