You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
