The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
