It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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