The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
