You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
