Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
