My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
