Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
