So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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