new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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