I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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