I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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