low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
