margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
