The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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